It's one of the classics: "If my partner fucks (or uses sexual energy) at work, will there be enough left for me at home?"
It's not an unfounded fear. I've experienced riding a sexual high from working that fans my fire for wild sex with my partner(s), and I've also had days where whatever happened at worked sapped every last drop of sexy right out of my tired body.
But this isn't my problem.
Right now I'm working with the opposite, or perhaps inverse issue.
Can I get it up for work when I'm not getting it at home?
This one seems more difficult to me, more often a stumbling block than an occasional variable. While I've gone through dry times when sexy work has helped tide me over, partially sating my desire for eroticism, those periods have lasted no more than a week, and seem to be the exception rather than the rule. I'm more familiar with the feeling of being rusty: unskilled and unmotivated for sex work when there is low or no activity in my personal sexual life. In my mind I get an image of a wave, and when I have good unpaid sex on the regular it seems easy to streamline work into the wave and watch it swell farther. Wave, zone, groove, whatever; I feel sexy and confident and inspired and, well,*lubricated* for sexual adventure. When the wave is at a lull, I feel out of practice and inept, and I get concerned about offering my clients inferior service. Everything about it (except me) feels a lot harder, too.
I guess it all comes down to energy exchange, and sexual nutrition. For the most part with work I give energy to the client in exchange for money, whereas with a personal partner, the energy exchange (one hopes) flows back and forth. I feed the client one way and they feed me another; sometimes I am depleted after and sometimes I replenished, but in a quick flash, sugar-high way. Whereas good partners feed each other with the same materials, the same media of service, trust, vulnerability, safety, surprises, acceptance, play, work, and pleasure; like a lasting meal of greens and root vegetables and protein *and* dessert.
So beyond pulling a great lover out of the ether, has anyone come up with workable solutions to keep work sexy and fun even if all that's waiting in bed for you after the session is a good book? Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Welcome to Working Heart
Think of the types of people who love sex workers, and what comes to mind?
In my mental line-up of archetypes I see:
-young children unaware of their mother's profession
-a clueless, well-meaning older relative
-a sad-sack client, obsessive and out of touch with reality
-a poor boy, tormented by his love, unable to "afford" her
These images are in my mind, but they don't originate there, nor do they look like the host of real-life examples I know of the myriads of kinds of people who love sex workers.
A clue is that all of the S.W.s beloved by those in my line-up are women, and straight, and either down on their luck or incapable of un-paid love. These archetypes do not come from my imagination, though they do live there. They come from images, stories, ideas that I've collected out in the world; from media and jokes and 'common sense'. I didn't realize I was collecting characters that would live in my head at the time, but I looked inside and there they were.
When I think of the people I actually *know* who love sex workers, the line-up looks much different: more numbers, more diverse, and definitely more interesting and colorful.
The clueless relative is still there (my best friend's parents); as well as the children (young son of a former Lusty Lady employee); but so are a husband with a shared bank accounts who painted his wives FBSM studio; a best friend computer geek that acts as occasional safe-call for outcall sessions; a girlfriend who picks up her sweetie from all her jobs: bartender, clinic worker, escort; a mother who paid for her daughter's jewelry and implants to aid her stripping career; a boyfriend who schedules his work as a performer around his boyfriends in-house tricks; a personal submissive both obedient and independent who helps her Dominatrix Mistress pack for work; quite a few boyfriends and girlfriends that turned a trick or two or stepped in for a double with the aid and encouragement of their sex worker partners;....
The list goes on and on. It includes people of every race, class and gender; those with full disclosure of their beloveds work and those who have no idea; people who love loving sex workers and people for whom it's a constant struggle. The unifying factor, the only thing I can think of that almost all these people have in common is this:
All of these people greet each other with affection when they enter a room. A hug, a kiss, an old joke or boot kiss; whatever it is, there is genuine, reciprocal love and affection there.
This topic has been on my mind for about eight years now. Realistic sex worker visibility is very limited; realistic representation and insights from people who love sex workers seems practically non-existent. I'd like that to change. I'm interested in changing the stigma against sex workers, but I'm also interested in doing what I can to help make the day-to-day work of connecting, relating and sharing intimacy with each other a little bit easier. I want to create a place for a conversation to happen, one I've needed; one my partners have needed.
I hope, with your help, to make Working Heart a place for thoughts, observation, conversation and support for sex workers and their partners. After all, we've all got a strong, hard, Working Heart.
In my mental line-up of archetypes I see:
-young children unaware of their mother's profession
-a clueless, well-meaning older relative
-a sad-sack client, obsessive and out of touch with reality
-a poor boy, tormented by his love, unable to "afford" her
These images are in my mind, but they don't originate there, nor do they look like the host of real-life examples I know of the myriads of kinds of people who love sex workers.
A clue is that all of the S.W.s beloved by those in my line-up are women, and straight, and either down on their luck or incapable of un-paid love. These archetypes do not come from my imagination, though they do live there. They come from images, stories, ideas that I've collected out in the world; from media and jokes and 'common sense'. I didn't realize I was collecting characters that would live in my head at the time, but I looked inside and there they were.
When I think of the people I actually *know* who love sex workers, the line-up looks much different: more numbers, more diverse, and definitely more interesting and colorful.
The clueless relative is still there (my best friend's parents); as well as the children (young son of a former Lusty Lady employee); but so are a husband with a shared bank accounts who painted his wives FBSM studio; a best friend computer geek that acts as occasional safe-call for outcall sessions; a girlfriend who picks up her sweetie from all her jobs: bartender, clinic worker, escort; a mother who paid for her daughter's jewelry and implants to aid her stripping career; a boyfriend who schedules his work as a performer around his boyfriends in-house tricks; a personal submissive both obedient and independent who helps her Dominatrix Mistress pack for work; quite a few boyfriends and girlfriends that turned a trick or two or stepped in for a double with the aid and encouragement of their sex worker partners;....
The list goes on and on. It includes people of every race, class and gender; those with full disclosure of their beloveds work and those who have no idea; people who love loving sex workers and people for whom it's a constant struggle. The unifying factor, the only thing I can think of that almost all these people have in common is this:
All of these people greet each other with affection when they enter a room. A hug, a kiss, an old joke or boot kiss; whatever it is, there is genuine, reciprocal love and affection there.
This topic has been on my mind for about eight years now. Realistic sex worker visibility is very limited; realistic representation and insights from people who love sex workers seems practically non-existent. I'd like that to change. I'm interested in changing the stigma against sex workers, but I'm also interested in doing what I can to help make the day-to-day work of connecting, relating and sharing intimacy with each other a little bit easier. I want to create a place for a conversation to happen, one I've needed; one my partners have needed.
I hope, with your help, to make Working Heart a place for thoughts, observation, conversation and support for sex workers and their partners. After all, we've all got a strong, hard, Working Heart.
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